In marriage, it’s understandable that husbands and wives aren’t always going to agree on everything. Conflict just comes with the territory. But why is it that we are fighting against each other, when we should actually be fighting for each other? Why are we willing to fight harder for ourselves than we are willing to fight for our marriages?
At the Samaritan Counseling Center of Southwest Georgia, we believe in the importance of fighting for marriages. Our objective as Christian counselors is to come alongside couples and equip them with the tools they need to start fighting for each other instead of against each other. We offer marital counseling that teaches healthy, effective communication and conflict resolution based on the foundational principles of Christian marriage. Some of the essential components of healthy conflict resolution we teach in marital counseling are…
1) Your spouse is not the problem. In healthy conflict resolution, it’s important to focus on the problem, not the person. Whenever we focus on the person, we begin to place blame. While it’s important to recognize and accept responsibility for each person’s role in the conflict, placing blame on one spouse or the other only serves to limit communication.
2) Listen to understand, not to respond. All too often, we are guilty of preparing our defense instead of listening to what our spouse is trying to communicate. It’s really no different than a lawyer yelling “I object” in the middle of a witness statement…and unfortunately that pattern of communication within a marriage often ends in a courtroom.
3) Take responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings. Starting any statements with “you” isn’t going to get you anywhere but sleeping on the couch. In counseling, we encourage the communication of thoughts and feelings using “I” statements. This minimizes the sound of blame and eliminates the tendency to get defensive.
4) Agree to disagree. There are times when spouses will have to accept that they just aren’t going to agree. A good example would be a Georgia Bulldog fan marrying a Florida Gator fan…it is highly unlikely they will ever agree on which team is the best. As a matter of fact, there’s a whole market out there for “a house divided” license plates for this very reason!
5) It’s not about right or wrong. It’s about what is BEST! There is a common misconception that if one spouse is “right” about something, inevitably the other must be “wrong.” The truth is, when it comes to marriage, communication is rarely that black and white. What’s most important is being able to work together to identify what is BEST.
Healthy conflict resolution in a nutshell: Work together to do what is BEST, and trust the Lord to take care of the rest!